In a medium mixing bowl, combine the softened cream cheese, diced jalapenos, and crumbled crispy bacon. Mix until intimately combined, then refrigerate for 15 minutes to firm up.

Lay an egg roll wrapper in a diamond shape. Spoon 2 tbsp of the chilled cream cheese filling near the bottom point. Fold the bottom point up, fold the side corners inward, lightly brush the top point with the cornstarch slurry, and roll tightly to seal.

Pour the frying oil into a heavy-bottomed Dutch oven and heat to exactly 350°F (175°C) using a frying thermometer.

Carefully lower 3-4 egg rolls into the hot oil. Fry for 3-4 minutes, turning occasionally, until the wrappers develop a bubbly, blistered texture and a deep golden-brown crust.

Remove the fried egg rolls with a metal spider and drain on a wire cooling rack. Cut on a diagonal, plate on a wooden cutting board with fresh jalapeno slices and bacon crumbles, and serve adjacent to a ramekin of ranch dressing sprinkled with dried parsley.